Identifying my Identity

It's been a while since i last wrote a post for my blog. A lot has happened. Big things. Life changing events. I have a new identity. I'm a mum now.

Zachary Flynn Baker - Life: Day 1

After 5 years of trying to fall pregnant, 2 years of IVF, 3 miscarriages, many tears and lots of $$$ spent, Andrew and I had our prayers answered. On Friday 25th October 2013, at 2:05am Zachary Flynn Baker entered the world. 7 weeks early, weighing just 1.7kilos, our little man came screaming into this world after a what must have been a rude awaking for him! I was very sick, having developed a life threatening disease called 'Acute Fatty Live in Pregnancy'. After 4 days at St John of God Hospital Murdoch where I had been monitored closely whilst doctors tried to figure out what was going on with me, I was finally sent to King Edward Memorial, as it was clear that I would have to deliver our baby early (SJOGM nursery isn't set up for babies under 34weeks). At 1am on Friday morning the doctor woke me up and asked how long it would take Andrew to get to the hospital....Zachary was delivered by emergency c-section an hour later. Later I found out that my organs had begun to shut down and there was cellular breakdown occurring within my organs. The way to stop the disease was to deliver. We were so very blessed that Zachary was healthy - tiny, but healthy. 

So now I have a new identity. I'm a mum. This is what I yearned for. This is what I felt I was put on this earth for. I should be a natural...right? WRONG! It's taken me 9 months to finally be able to say that I am enjoying motherhood. Zachary was in hospital for his first few weeks - i visited him from 7am till 7pm every day. Then I went home at night and did normal things, like cook dinner, watch TV, sleep (with a little breast pumping thrown in).

Zachary Flynn Baker - Leaving Hospital

Then we brought our little man home, now weighing 2 kilos and wearing 000000's (6x0's) instead of 0000000's (7x0's). It wasn't till I brought him home, that reality started to kick in - I was now a mum and this little guy depended on me for absolutely everything. There were no nurses to get me his milk or tell me when he fed overnight or to help me try and get him to latch on to my breast. It was all up to me (and his dad of course!). What I wasn't anticipating was getting Post Natal Anxiety. This did not sit well with the picture in my head of what I would 'look' like  as a mum...you know - Perfectly groomed at all times, house spotless, baby happy, sleeping & feeding well, dinner on the table - the picture where I'm always happy and smiling and where motherhood is as natural to me as walking! For months I let that (unrealistic) picture of perfection cloud my reality, invade my confidence and take away from all the great things I was doing. It clouded my ability to see how amazing Zach was, how well he was doing, how despite being 7 weeks premature he was giving his cousin Isabella (born the day before Zach's due date!)a good run for her money. My anxiety was my dark cloud following me everywhere. I was so lucky to have a fabulous Child Health Nurse and a compassionate GP - both encouraged me to seek help and support and they sent me to St John of Gods 'Raphael House'. 

Zach and his dad

Zach - such a personality!

Zach meets his new cousin Isabella

Today was my 7th counselling session and we reflected on my first session where I was inconsolable, I could barely speak, I just cried. Today I was laughing and marvelling at my beautiful  boy who was making his way around the room looking for adventures. I identified my identity and it wasn't the (unrealistic) perfect image and I'm ok with that. I'm flawed, I make mistakes, I get it wrong sometimes...and that's what is going to make me the best mum to Zach. I've identified my identity. My identity is me.

Zachary Flynn Baker and his mum... Me.